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9.10.2003 | link |


dearest log,

i am not a ray of sunshine.

earlier i was sleepy. in pain. (teeth hurt.) then i was annoyed. then i felt feisty. confident. then stressed out. and incredulous. then i was kind-of funny. then bored. inpatient. (very inpatient.) then frustrated. and complainy. then suddenly self-aware. and then i felt bad for being such a self-involved jerk.

but mostly, i’ve been grumpy.

for example, know-it-all people make me grumpy. self-righteous and unnecessarily vocal people. people who have entirely different points of view than you do about life and priorities and they feel it’s their personal responsibility to tell you (and everyone else not enthusiastically cheering on their self-indulgent lifestyle and value system) what you should be doing and what you should think is important and they mask it with “good intentions” and you want to tell them to shutthefuckup but of course you don’t because you know that would be unkind.

i know. i sound more upset than grumpy. i used lots of italics. true, i was upset. then i felt numb. then sarcasm went up a few notches and i started cursing a lot. (in my head.) therefore: grumpy. grumpy doesn’t sound so bad. it almost sounds cute. um, right?

dear long-suffering log, i want to be good. i think i’m generally very easy-going. but i crave honesty. i want to see past words. i want to place importance on things that are truly important. i want to see life and people as they are. i don’t want to breed negativity. (there’s more than enough of that.) so it makes me even grumpier that i let myself get so grumpy in the first place.

being happy and patient and good is hard. being nice to others -even if they’re not- is hard.

i’ll try to do better tomorrow.


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