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going to work this morning was a monumental accomplishment.
i woke up with only 20 minutes to 9:00 and oh, sweet jesus, it was painful painful painful. the pillow taunted my heavy head like a siren. warm soft blankets promised to comfort me with the tenderness of a mother's womb. so my mind surrendered to my morning vulnerabilities. but as i picked up the phone and started justifying "sick day" in my half-asleep state, i had a most disturbing wide-awake revelation: "i am a grown-up now. i can't do this anymore."
damn. damn sense of responsibility. damn the grown-up understanding that habitual irresponsibility can lead to social disfunction. i want to unknow what i know. i want to leave dirty dishes in the sink and not feel an ounce of obligation. i want to sit around bookstore coffee shops in the middle of the day smoking cigarettes and flipping through the weekly. (who are those people that can do that in the middle of the day??) i want to eat cheetos and let the spinach salad rot in the crisper. i want to call in sick, drive to venice beach, spend money i don't have to get my palms read and almost believe it. i want them all to think: she'll grow out of it. she'll learn. she'll be someone yet.
but wait, no, that's precisely what i've been trying to get past all these years.
so. back to my morning. with the enthusiasm of a condemned man, i prepared for my workday. and i drove off to the office like a good little grown-up. and i stopped by starbucks and picked up my grown-up grande nonfat sugar-free vanilla latte. and i typed away on my computer in my grown-up cubicle. and i chit-chatted with my coworkers about grown-up topics such as restructuring in the executive ranks and stock prices. and i proved to the world one day more that i am indeed grown.
Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live. (Margaret Fuller)
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. (Mark Twain)